another day.....

another memory.

Three years ago today, I had a hysterectomy...too much info? sorry. Back when I thought I was sooo done having kids, I wouldn't have thought this operation to be a big deal...but of course, it wasn't my choice to have the surgery...it was my unhealthy innards that made the decision that they were going to create havoc inside my body until I got them out! So...I did. And I got better. Physically.

But what about emotionally? When does that get better? I didn't struggle right away with these feelings..but now....you see, (total transparency ahead) I thought in my mind, that God was giving me Cameron...because I yearned for another baby...and I wanted to give Kurt a son...a boy...a little buddy...now I know he loves our girls, as do I..but anyways...I thought that by adopting Cameron, that this was God's way of answering my longing. Now, did God say "Kari, I'm going to give you Cameron"...no...but I thought..........So when we lost Cameron, I thought God was taking him away, and maybe that was my fault....logically, I know, that isn't true...but in my heart....

So, I guess what i'm trying to say, is it's not just sadness about missing Cameron, it's also realizing that I didn't let my God down, He isn't punishing me...I'm still His Princess...Fearfully and Wonderfully made....I just wish sometimes that I would remember those things first.