One of the many emotions that fill up my mind is anger. I'm angry at "the system", i'm angry at the social workers, the guardian ad litem, the therapist...everyone involved...but the thing that really gets to me, and I have the hardest admitting, is that i'm angry at Tori. She has been saying some things that really hurt me...and I feel very used...and manipulated. The logical side of my mind says that Tori was in survival mode...and that she is just so messed up, that she is who she is because of her past...but then the emotional part of my mind says that she's not stupid, she knows right from wrong, and she really had a way of manipulating things to get what she wanted! I think the thing that frustrates me the most is why do I even care? I don't have to worry about her anymore, she's not my responsibility. But I do care. I think of all the things we did for her, and tried to teach her, and all the things we gave her, and now what? She has thrown it all away, and claims how much better off she is now that she's out of our house. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? How can I get rid of this anger?? I compose letters in my head to all I feel have wronged me. Like I want them to really know what their actions have done to me...yet, it won't matter...they are "the system", and I am just another foster parent that they think couldn't handle a teenager with problems.
**Lightbulb Moment**
As I type this, I realize that I am so hurt. And this feeling of hurt has caused me to be angry...at those that have hurt me. For example, the guardian ad litem....I thought we had a pretty good relationship with her, yet when it all came down with Cameron, she couldn't even look at me, she didn't say a word to me. I feel like she should have asked me about the things we were being accused of...yet she didn't. She remained silent. I am so disappointed in her. And our social worker, Dayle...she would have conversations with us about things that could get her in trouble, but we had this relationship where I trusted her...and felt that we could vent and stuff to her...and yet, she betrayed us. She played both sides, and was totally out of line. And Tori's therapist....she would say things like, we were on the same team, and because of our walk with God, she really understood us...etc. Yet she doesn't have any moral obligation to make sure that we were okay with Tori being ripped out of Becca and Kimmi's lives....no follow up...not another word from her...what kind of therapist does that??
So..I guess with this whole anger thing...it's more than that. It's hurt...it's betrayal....it's broken trust and it's disappointment.
I really struggle with this..I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to let it go...but how??
2 comments:
Kari, I'm so sorry you are so hurt. I don't blame you. Here are a couple of things to consider. First of all, one of my favorite sayings is "hurting people hurt people." Tori is hurt, by her past, by the system, whatever, and in turn she is hurting you. That's how she is dealing with it. It doesn't make it right or wrong, it just is.
As for how to heal? The only way is to forgive. The Bible command us to love and to forgive, BUT it doesn't command us to trust in anyone other than God? Forgiveness can be tricky. Keep in mind it's an act of obedience to God. You have to choose to forgive regardless of your feelings. Once you've chosen to forgive, ask God to give you the feelings to go with the forgiveness. Still, even once you've forgiven people it doesn't mean you have to trust them, it just means you've given God permission to handle the situation as only He knows how to do. Make sense? Blessing on you today!
Nancy's advise really is sound. I especially like the part about the act of forgiveness followed by a prayer for the feelings to follow. May God help you in the forgiveness process, thus the healing process. All my love!xoxoxoxox
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